Well, I changed my narrative and I have some success to show for it.
I wrote almost 3,000 words this week. Like, holy shit. I wrote 3,000 words, at night, in a handful of hours. I crossed the 94,000 word mark this afternoon.
Sometimes I need to get out of my own way. I get so locked down in routine, maybe because I'm pretty sure its the only way my ADHD works. I know that I need certain things to focus, so I get so focused on the focus routine that I lose my ability to actually produce, ya know, words.
I had another thought this afternoon, though. I changed my laptop's background to a Stephen King quote on writing. The quote is: "I write because it fulfills me, I do it for the pure joy of the thing and if you can do it for the joy, you can do it forever."
This quote really hits me in the gut. I'm not a published author. I'm pushing 40, I have a full time job and (almost) 2 books completed. I've got 24 rejection letters, even a full manuscript request that yielded nothing. I know the odds are stacked against me.
And yet...I can't not write. I mean, there are plenty of days, weeks, even months that I don't actually write anything, but I'm always thinking about writing. I am always mulling over ideas, character arcs, plot lines, short stories, novels, anything. Writing is part of my blood, I've been doing it since I was a kid and I showed my teacher a story about a talking Pegasus.
Side note: I recall that teacher telling me I had a great imagination and to make sure I kept writing. I was 9, that stuck with me.
In high school, I wrote an ENTIRE novel (romance) that was, admittedly, terrible. It was on notebook paper. My English teacher, Mrs Sonafelt, read the whole damn thing and told me it was great. I remember that, too. I remember teachers telling me to keep writing while others in my life told me it was a stupid pipe dream and do something worthwhile.
In any event, I love writing. I love stories, and storytelling. I write because I need to tell stories because even when I don't write, the stories still appear in my mind. Writing has pulled me out of depression, saved my life, and made me whole in so many ways.
So, if I never publish anything traditionally, if I never become a famous author or even an author that can just say "I published a book" I'll keep writing stories. Coming to that realization that writing is purely for the joy of it (even if it makes me want to bash my head against the wall sometimes) is so freeing.
I write for me and so I cannot fail, not really. I only fail if I stop, right?
Random Friday night thoughts. Hope you all have a great weekend!